my story, my life in years of writing

2012-02-11T10:16:00.001-08:00

There always comes a point in your life where youve tried your best with all options possible. U don't wanna quit or give up but you have to. You realize that something's aren't meant to be, and you know that you gave it your all. But life moves on, and we must learn to accept it. Youll remember & wanna forget the bad times but will always remember the good times. Because with pictures, your moments will be remembered forever...

2012-01-30T23:27:00.001-08:00

No matter how hard you try to forget that it never happened, it will never not happened. It'll always be a loose end, it'll always be unfinished. Most of the time, it's just too difficult, or too expensive or too scary. It's only once you've stopped that you realize how hard it is to start again. So you force yourself not to want it. But it's always there and until you finish it, it will always be unfinished

2012-01-30T21:24:00.001-08:00

I'm tired of waiting for what I deserve. There shouldn't be any excuse anymore on trying to make it work. I wanna stop hearing broken words of promises and I wanna see actions that show. Slowly you're losing me already. You say you wanna be with me yet you don't show it or make me feel it. I'm already tired of putting up with this waiting for what I deserve.

2012-01-30T17:08:00.001-08:00

Relationships are based on a mutual thing. Yeah space is needed for both side but it should always be a mutual thing. One person can't always be the one putting effort to it while the other doesn't. Communication is very important, without it where can you build the trust and foundation in your relationship? It's true what they say, you shouldn't have to change for anybody in a relationship. If they love you for you, they'll accept you for who you are. It just isn't right when both don't see the relationship the same way. You should always at least take the time to show appreciation for the one in front of you and never take that person for granted. Once you do take the other for granted that person may fade away and leave to someone who actually appreciates them. Don't try to talk and say this and that. Stop talking and start showing and doing. No more talk the talk, do something about it and walk the walk! Show and do some action for your words

2012-01-28T19:14:00.001-08:00

There should be no excuses for making the effort in your relationship. It's either you try, do something about it or just leave. People tend to take for granted what's in front of them...

2012-01-27T22:58:00.001-08:00

Life is quite confusing sometimes. Every time you think you know and want some thing, the problems and answers change...

2012-01-19T17:02:00.001-08:00

I really miss my girl, sometimes I wish she just knows that. It's not even me being clingy, it's about me hurting when it feels like I'm not a priority in her life. I miss the days when we started talking or dating in the past. The days where we would text, talk or even Facebook chat the whole day, I miss those days. Now it's like I barely hear from her at all. It feels like we're being distant from each other. It just sucks when all I wanna do is hear from her, and it sucks when others get the attention I want from her. It makes me feel like a second or third priority. It just really sucks.. I really miss hearing from her. Maybe know bout her day or what's she's doing or even if she's thinking of me at all.. It just hurts because all I do is think about her. And it feels like I'm not even in her mind because I don't hear from her at all... She means the world to me right now.. Idk just hurts... I hate this snow, I haven't seen or heard from my girl for almost two weeks now including this snow week.. It's not helping at all. All I wanna do is walk to her place in the snow to see her.. Did it before because I love her. Idk now if I should walk there because idk i feel unappreciated.. Idk I guess I needa feel the love. It's hard always hearing words but actions is what I wanna see. This sucks.. :( it's that feeling of wanting to feel wanted or needed... Maybe that's why I feel like this.. I feel like I'm still in Saipan because I don't hear from my girl, she's just doing her own thing... And I really miss her :( idk maybe im just overacting.. but i do miss her

2012-01-18T20:58:00.001-08:00

There are some things in life that just won't make no sense at all. Relationships get complicated as time goes on. Like most others it's exciting at first, then it gets to the comfortable stage then all the drama. Relationships are based on mutual understanding and respect for each other. Understanding and accepting what the others been through and still loving them for who they are.

All i wanna do is understand mine, i never gave up since day 1. I try my best to understand mine, but I'm always left with wanting more. I wanna know more and understand more. Shouldn't a relationship be built upon trusting and opening up to the person? Even when one doesn't wanna open up, shouldn't that one at least communicate it and not in a way where the other feels pushed back and worried? People can talk so much about how much someone means to them but it's nothing when all they do is talk and don't show it to make them feel it. It's nice sometimes to feel a little appreciation now days. Or for once for that person to at least show that they care and fight back to win the love back. Idk it'd be nice to be getting those random phone calls or texts from her. I miss them all, the good ol days when i was excited to have a phone because all I wanna do is hear from that special someone. It feels taken for granted sometimes.. The relationship.. Sigh :(

2012-01-17T14:01:00.000-08:00

finally home, same days off as my girl but will i get to see her? this damn snow is stopping me. i miss her so much, i really do. this snow aint stopping me at all. i ended up walking to my girls place in the snow. had to see her. aint no snow stopping me.. hopefully she appreciates me walking the distance for her, esp in the cold ass snow. The things I do for my girl. She means the world to me.. I'll do anything to see her and hold her. I love her.

2012-01-16T21:29:00.000-08:00

saipan youve been so good to me. felt all the love from everyone which i greatly appreciate! it feels so good to come back after 4 years of being gone to still feel at home. saipans changed a lot in the last 4 years since i left, its been really tough, but this reminds me to not take things for granted and to learn to always appreciate and count my blessings no matter what when it comes to jobs, school, housing, family, friends, relationships...pretty much life. some people have it easy and complain as if what they have aint good enough for them. thank you saipan for reminding me of the blessings i have in my life. one love!

2012-01-12T14:15:00.001-08:00

for me to have to call you to finally hear your voice and for you not to be able to say that you miss me b/c of who youre with. fucken hurts. sometimes i wish you'd show some appreciation or in some way show that you do miss me. it feels like you dont. u dont show it....im getting more i miss yous or come back home from others.. which should be coming from you

2012-01-12T13:57:00.000-08:00

saipans been good to me. so nice to see all the familiar faces. its surprising how many people remember me, even the ones i dont remember at all. i feel like a celebrity ha.. everydays been fun and pretty good. had so much fun at the shirleys coffee shop party of my old job. everyones reaction to find out i was back was priceless but so so welcoming. i miss my old coworkers, made me feel so at home. besides all that enjoying the views down here once again feeling like a tourist. thursday street market, to the views of banzai cliff, some things in saipan ill def miss. miss my girl a lot though. this distance really sucks and it hurts to not hear from her. i guess i just miss her too much?

2012-01-06T21:16:00.000-08:00

first stop was to Japan. a 10 hour flight which was sucha pain to my butt. i hate sitting for so long on a plane. my ears wanted to pop so bad. the only reason i hate flying is when my ears wanna pop. japan was pretty interesting. it just sucked b/c i had no internet access nor phone call connection. i felt so stranded. they got some weird ass toilets too where its laid flat on the ground. so you'll have to use it sitting on your ass lol. anyways the next flight was to guam, a 5 hours flight. it was almost over. next is a 50 min flight to saipan. right when we all hopped on the plane it started moving forward and ended up turning back. i guess there were some technical difficulty. ended up staying much longer than expected in guam for about 2 hours.
felt really over dressed in my seattle clothing with the jackets, as all the locals were less clothed b/c they knew the weather was gon be hot. ha! turns out i was the survivor in that plane. it was raining hella hard and it was cold. as we arrived in saipan it was still raining hella hard. seattle you did me good.
visited my old good, and surprisingly everyone that i used to work with left the company, and the only 3 i saw today were the only 3 that stayed longer. i missed them so much, sucha warm welcoming.
kinda feel like a celebrity b/c its surprising how many people still remember after four years of being absence. even those i dont remember at all.
its so funny too, suddenly everyone is hitting on me too. had this one cashier girl at awe. she completely froze when she saw me and ended up trying to spit game at me lol. she kept talking to me while my mom was paying with her debit card. and ended up trying to give my moms card to me and my mom was like its my card haha. she was pretty embarrassed.
everythings so different now here. buildings are gone, and people who were friends are now enemies. i feel like the rock in the movie walking tall. to be gone for so long and come back for everyone to still remember you with everything being different. been up for 2 days already. and still not tired. gawd i miss my girl and the lil man so much right now.. anyways day 1 in saipan out

2012-01-05T11:56:00.001-08:00

Last day before vaca. Didn't get to see my girl the last two days, so with some help from my brother Terrence, I decided to pull a movie scene and surprise her at work. I stood by her car with roses and my umbrella blocking my face so she wouldn't know it was me. Yes she did get scared because no one would like someone standing by their car at night lol. But it was a good moment. Seeing her before I left for vacation. One and a half week of missing her and the lil man. So glad I pulled that off. Special thanks to my brother Terrence for helping me pull it off. Night was later ruined but I won't even get into that.

Next morning, stopped by her place before departing to the air port. Her hug made me not wanna leave. Holding her in my arms already made me miss her so much. Though I was leaving for a week and a half it felt like I was going to be gone forever. Just the thought right now of her holding on to me really tight and saying don't go don't leave me, really touched my heart. Ima miss her so much while I'm gone. Flying solo on this trip. Next time I travel hopefully it's with my girl and the lil man or my brother Terrence. Off to the islands I go. Leaving in a few.. First stop Japan.

2012-01-03T18:17:00.001-08:00

I have mixed emotions bout going back home. Fears of leaving things I care about without me. Fear of not seeing my girl and the lil man. Fear of leaving work to see how much different it would be without me. Fear of my sister and her husband realizing the life with me gone. All these fears I should really over come.

When I come back in 2 weeks, ima focus on saving big time. Getting a car, my own place with my brother Terrence and possibly a diff job or move higher at work. 2012 ima focus more on helping myself find myself. Time to live alone and independent without relying on my sis and her husband. No more focusing too much on my love life even though I will still be there and still hold on to mine working it out. What I meant by focusing on myself was that. We can all fall in love but we can't fall in love and think about taking care of others if we can't love and take care of ourselves. True story.

2012-01-03T18:08:00.001-08:00

Not exactly how I wanted to spend my Tuesday off before I'm gone for 2 weeks. Tuesdays are usually the day me and Wendi spend time, it sucks that today we didnt. She apparently got into an argument with her dad and can't go out. I understand that, and was just letting her know it sucked. It wasn't intended in any way to make her feel bad. Now we're stuck in this I'm not talking to you stage which I clearly really hate. I understand you can't see me, the best you could do is talk to me.....

2012-01-03T08:26:00.001-08:00

I keep having these fucken nightmares of my girl cheating on me. And it's always with the same guy. Fuck man. Worst fucken dream ever! Why do I keep dreaming of this. Shows how much I still really dont trust this guy. It fuels a big load of hate in me. Ugh. Worst fucken dream ever.

2012-01-01T02:28:00.000-08:00

Almost didn't make it tonight. So glad I got to spend new years eve with Wendi. She means so much to me and it wouldn't be right to not start this year without her. I love her, she means the world to me. happy new years everyone! off to work now for a 13 hour shift to start it off with my ad fam!

2011-12-31T16:34:00.001-08:00

Wow didn’t realize how much team members from the front I have on face book lol... anyways it's been quite a hell of a ride my first year being a Team Lead at target. The front lanes is no joke! Through the entire guest complains to all the busy rushes or slow shifts, to the shifts we were short or over scheduled on cashiers, to the good times we all had together. I can honestly say, I enjoyed my first year as a team lead with all of you at the front lanes! Thank you for always being there and supporting me at the front when I need you guys! Being a gtsl can be so stressful but I really enjoyed it with such an awesome team. Everyone have a very blessed, safe and enjoyable new years! See you all next year!

2011-12-29T05:34:00.001-08:00

It's so weird, idk why I keep having dreams of Wendi doing things behind the back which leads me to just yelling and arguing with her. The dreams are really messed up and I hate them. Is my mind still scared to trust her? Apparently I'm not thinking of it but my mind is thinking of it :( I hate these stupid dreams...

2011-12-27T21:32:00.001-08:00

My friends are so awesome. All the gifts from them are on point. Dois gift was a wee wrestler. I never told him shawn michaels was my fav and he chose right. Jasmine oh man do I love her gift, I love the show how I met your mother and the bro code book is effing awesome :) Terrence's gift meant a lot to me though. It has so much meaning to it. It's nice to finally get something customized for myself. I love how he tried the iron on and designed it himself. His gift was awesome!

2011-12-25T22:06:00.001-08:00

Spent Christmas eve at my girls place. Had sucha good time. I love learning about different cultures. Her family was very welcoming too. This year is coming to an end perfectly <3

2011-12-21T21:48:00.000-08:00

today was pretty awesome! spent the day with my good friend terrence and anthony. we pretty much had a plan today for christmas on our day off which was suppose to be epic. terrence was throwing a christmas scavenger hunt for this one girl. plans didnt go accordingly as for she didnt show up on time for work. of course things like that make you think and question other peoples motives. so terrence was pretty disappointed. anyways one of my gsa's, ashley was telling me yesterday how her boyfriend didnt wanna get a xmas tree this year. hearing that made me feel so sad. its her first year living in washington and alone with her boyfriend so i hada make this right. i woke up so early just in time to get a xmas tree for her. the look on her face when i gave it was priceless, i love the good feeling of making someones day. my plan went through. other than that my other plans were my 12 days of xmas gifts for wendi. those went through as well. as the day went on close to sun set, terrence gets a text from her and his plan actually went through. so all in all the plans went through and the rest is history. sucha a good day. and man oh how i miss my girl so much right now... 12 more days till im leaving washington too. days are going by so quick.

2011-12-18T14:01:00.000-08:00

Right after work i spent half the day with my girl and the lil man. Sucha good day. Went Xmas shopping, wrapped gifts and just relaxed. Sucha good day. And then to top it all off the ad fam came over and we had game night. Up pretty much for 24 hours with no sleep but I don't regret a thing. Good times well spent :D

2011-12-18T13:58:00.000-08:00

You know what they say there's no place like home. Close enough work wise ad team Sunday morning was home. It felt so good to be with my fam. We killed ad today. Did work!

2011-12-14T13:53:00.000-08:00

That one past that I questioned about and the main reason I broke up with her last summer. He comes up again and I question again. But this time she's honest with me. It really means a lot to me really. Honesty always wins me over. I'm happy she told me the truth it brings security really. i really tend to question why does she keep trying to hold on to a friendship with her past. sometimes it just doesnt really work out depending on the situations. this man was her first and it honestly did bug me until she goes "so what, im with you, im happy with you and im looking forward to a future with you" now that totally caught me off guard and makes me happy inside. though i would be upset, im happy she chose me and was honest.

2011-12-13T13:51:00.000-08:00

Looks like I'm coming home

2011-12-13T13:49:00.000-08:00

Sometimes you can't pretend you know what's going to happen, but you just gotta live through it and expect the unexpected. Because life is full of surprises.

2011-12-11T13:44:00.000-08:00

Spent the day at McDonald's with my girl, the lil man and her family. Times like this make me really happy. I love spending time with them. its surprising how much i care for the little guy. lil man goes into the mcdonalds play bin w/ the bigger kids and i kept looking out for him, ive grown to care for him so much.i didnt realize how much i was looking out for him until my girl told me i needa learn to let him fight his own battles. aw the feeling of caring for the lil man. it feels good. i love the feeling

2011-12-09T13:42:00.000-08:00

Keeping a distant really confused me a lot. It puts me in that zone of whether or not it will work or not. But I'm taking things too seriously and I have to learn to step back sometimes and just let things progress. I'm learning now to be understanding. And we're working out just fine now.

2011-12-07T12:50:00.001-08:00

We watch movies, listen to stories and picture ourselves playing those roles. We end up going through the same moments but when your character isn't played right, the endings will turn out different. Of course this is reality and some of those moments only happen in the movies and stories.

2011-11-27T19:47:00.001-08:00

Sometimes I wish the higher ups could see what I see. Somethings are just ridiculous. I feel like the voice of the voiceless when they listen to me. So glad to always help when needed. Had to look out for my good friend Terrence today. Ad was big! But we killed it.

2011-11-27T19:35:00.001-08:00

I'm in sucha design frenzy right now. So many new shirt work ideas

2011-11-24T19:38:00.000-08:00

Had one of the best thanksgivings in a while. Spent it at my girlfriends place. Family's very welcoming. Had lots a fun :) always nice to spend time with my girlfriend and the lil man

2011-11-21T16:16:00.001-08:00

It's so nice having those friends that look out for me when I least expect it. You guys are the reason I'm calm at is.

2011-11-20T15:58:00.001-08:00

That thing yesterday bugged me so much. I really don't know why she doesn't understand why I don't feel comfortable with their friendship. Yeah I understand I needa let go of the past but the pain and tears I went through in the past to get her with him in the way really is a slap to my face to see the both of them being so friendly flirting to each other. Seeing him with his hands on her triggered so much hate in me that I never ever felt in my life. It triggered all the pain, tears and anger I went through to get her. It frustrates me honestly to see her not understand really why I don't feel comfortable with their friendship. I hate it. I really do. It triggers so much pain anger and tears from the past in me. I had to leave early today, I couldn't see him later that day. Who knows how I would have acted. I wasn't feeling it today. To top it all off. I just woke up from a dream.
Never had a dream that was filled with so much anger, hate and pain for me to wake up crying... :( I had a dream that they were double teaming me on why I can't accept them as friends, then it ended up with them doing what they do in front of me. The friendly so called getting along with other thing, which I count as flirting... This dream hurt me so much inside.. I woke up yelling and crying. I shouldn't be over thinking too much on this but looks like my mind took me there in my dreams. I hate this...

2011-11-19T19:28:00.000-08:00

Fuck today.... Ugh. If u understood the pain I went through chasing your love... The pain hurt so bad. You'd be a little more understanding. I never meant to make your day worse than it is. I miss talking to u so I tried to make it better. Guess not. but it fucken angers me to see what i saw with my own eyes. to see a man i the past with so much history in my pain to get love put his hands on my girl. it wasnt any normal hug. it was one of those one arm around your girl as a boyfriend hug, and to top it all off, opening the door and walking in the hall way with his hands on her back. never got so angry in my life seeing that with my own eyes. one of my home boys aw it too, so i aint bluffing...Idk what was so special about the friendship to mean so much to defend it. If it was nothing shouldn't u be convincing me and comforting me to believe its nothing instead of being defensive? I always thought I'll do whatever to make it work was the answer, I sacrifice so much... I really did. I'd drop anything for you. Give up anything for u. If u didn't feel comfortable, I would drop it because I wouldn't wanna put u through anything because I love you. Sigh I hate this... I almost broke down at work. It hurts to feel that same pain I went through to get u. That's why I don't feel comfortable. but really If it was nothing shouldn't u be convincing me and comforting me to believe its nothing instead of being defensive? seriously though, If u didn't feel comfortable, I would drop anything for you because I wouldn't wanna put u through anything because I love you. in the end i feel like the bad guy. the bad boyfriend for ruining the day. go me........

2011-11-16T22:35:00.001-08:00

Today was pretty interesting. The talk with Wendi today was pretty deep. She now knows a side of me I rarely tell other people about. I hope she appreciates that.

2011-11-15T22:06:00.001-08:00

Family, these two are so important to me right now. The relationship is finally working out like it should be. No more fear, I'm glad she finally opened up to me. This is awesome. i never been so happy in my life. i love her, i really do. and now the lil ninja is included and im excited to have this family with them.

2011-11-15T22:05:00.001-08:00

I really hate seeing my homie Terrence down. The man is a good guy, I hate how this one person can't see or at least appreciate the good things this guy has done for him. It's sucha damn effing shame how people can live with themselves not appreciating the good things in their life. I'm so effing pissed at how this person treated my homie. Though she didn't do him bad bad, she did him bad with his heart. How can someone go on for so long not letting a person know where they stand only to move and still talk about their ex?! Appreciate the good things in front of you! Gawd... Some people are so ungrateful!

2011-11-14T22:00:00.000-08:00

Decided to surprise my gf at work today by sending her flowers. Plan didn't go as I planned because she called out. But thanks to my bro Terrence for being a life saver. Bro took my to her place instead, and I just delivered the flowers instead. Best thing and plan seriously. Got to meet her family, who were very welcoming. The feeling I got when I entered their home and the lil man ran to me for a hug really made me feel so good. I loved the feeling I got seriously. Family.. Oh yes :)

2011-11-10T21:55:00.000-08:00

Took the lil man to his doctors appointment today. Afterwards spent some time at the park. I love the feeling seriously of spending time with the both of them. It makes me feel complete.

2011-11-04T13:52:00.000-07:00

Had lunch with Wendi and the lil man today. I love the feeling I get when with all of them. I feel complete, the family feeling. I love it. I love spending time with the both of them.

2011-10-31T21:49:00.000-07:00

Sometimes all it takes is "time", time heals all, breaks all ties, renews what is meant to be. Sometimes all you need is time and if it was meant to be it'll come back eventually

2011-10-31T03:44:00.000-07:00

It amazing how one night can change so much that has happened. It was the target team Halloween party slash Wendi's bday at midnight. I almost didn't wanna go because for the fact it was gon be Wendi's bday. I wanted to move on, but earlier that day it was so nice seeing the lil man when she came over. He convinced me to go. So I went just to have fun. Ended up in a big shocking night for me. She was sober, and confessed her heart out to me crying. It was very convincing too. I was very lost but I believe everyone deserves a chance. We're back together again. She promised she'll do everything she can to prove to me. Let's see how that goes

2011-10-28T09:37:00.000-07:00

Teams growing again at work

2011-10-21T10:20:00.001-07:00

.i hate having dreams like this, it's just weird. Woke up to a dream of me saving my brothers from drug dealers... Smh

2011-10-13T00:06:00.000-07:00

.wow its been a while since i wrote on here. a lot has happened since. my partner at work recently got promoted so im the only team lead in my work center. this will be my challenge to prove that i can run this work center on my own. its been raining like crazy the last few days, with sun here and there. moods getting pretty gloomy. one month till thanksgiving and Christmas. wow this year has really went by so fast.

2011-09-29T20:59:00.001-07:00

.I'm on a design frenzy. I got so many ideas in my head that I wanna put out. Recently this varsity jacket idea. What makes me even more happy is when my idea turns out better than I expected :D

2011-09-29T00:46:00.001-07:00

.sometimes Apollo just makes my day. It's the simple things even if his just a dog that makes me smile. But for tonight smh he takes over my bed

2011-09-25T20:32:00.000-07:00

.today I went all out and beyond. Some guest accidentally had her debit card slide under the lanes. I had to open the lanes, crawl under and got real super dirty to get that card back. That guest owes me big time, I could have just told her to cancel her card.

2011-09-23T18:03:00.001-07:00

.theres no such thing as forever. we tell ourselves that weve moved on when all we do is silently hold on to what we cant let go. they say moving on is one of the hardest things to do. and yes i do agree, most esp when you feel like you love the person. ive been holding on for so long keeping my hopes up thinking she'll realize it and come back to me. like the old saying goes, if they come back it was meant to me. it wasnt...part of moving on is not holding onto things that bring back the past that won't come back. The promise ring me and her both had meant something to me. i hold on to it and wear it thinking of her... but its time to move on..i sold the ring. its gone. just like what the relationship, something that'll never come back.. Its done

2011-09-22T19:52:00.001-07:00

.I've always wanted my very own target championship belt lol

2011-09-22T02:19:00.003-07:00

.good times at work.. I always do my best to make work fun

2011-09-22T02:19:00.001-07:00

.I hate my schedules... My body is hella confused when it should awake or sleeping... 2am and I'm wide awake f man...

2011-09-21T00:56:00.001-07:00

.Facebook is going through some major changes it's becoming pretty complicated like myspace a little. If this continues I might just stay at twitter forever lol.. So Glad too that blogger finally had an iPhone app! Now I can blog on the go :)

2011-09-17T22:39:00.000-07:00

.i hate to say this but im kinda happy to be back to work, but with my new work availability. i love coming to work and the team all excited im working. today was hella busy. dealt with some of the craziest guest complains ever. but still kept my cool and smile. aint no way ima let them ruin my positive smiling mood. today was good too. team killed it with red cards. all 4 of my opening cashiers before 10am all had a red card each which is pretty awesome :) and then before i left we had a total of 15 red cards. teams doing work! its a good day!

2011-09-16T22:47:00.000-07:00

.saw a friend today that cut me off, and had someone that asked me about my ex. seriously? really?! i really just dont care anymore. im sick of drama following me and so im leaving it behind and not even gon talk about it. todays been sucha good day at work. hoping for more days like this!

2011-09-04T20:49:00.001-07:00

.today was my return to work after being Mia for 2 weeks. It felt good to come back to a warm welcoming. I felt like a celebrity lol. It was nice to see and hear how much some people enjoyed my company. Anyways day was pretty smooth, I saved one of my execs butts today too lol..

2011-08-31T23:45:00.000-07:00

.its amazing how quick you can lose a friend in an instant. It's so dumb really. I hate it when people jump into conclusions without letting me explain as well. But in the end they usually express their true feelings that way. I understand she invited me to her place for a lil get together, and yes I did personally invite her to one I had planed later in the week. The thing is plans change and the day i planed everyone was busy. The day after it happened and was last min. I never even got the chance to finish inviting people and she cuts me off calling me "f'd up and how I always half ass myself to her" I guess i found out her true feelings. She thinks I always half ass her. It's f'd up too because I really truly wasn't done inviting people. Yeah it was 10 already but get togethers or parties don't usually start till 10. But it's whatever, I'm not going to even try esp with her saying I half ass myself. This is f'd up..

2011-08-30T22:40:00.001-07:00

.I hate how much I love you...enough said

2011-08-30T11:04:00.001-07:00

.the last few days was quite interesting. Partied almost every night. I'm pretty burnt out from it lol. Now to relax these last few days before heading back to work. Back to school today, weathers pretty cold and gloomy outside. But oh well. Talked to her last night, was it a mistake? Idk I enjoy talking to her. Weird I guess and feel like this is never ending. Friends are gon be pissed that this keeps happening. Life, you're confusing to me so much. Situations don't make sense at all. We just live through it and make the best of what we can do for us. My sis and her husband are on their honey moon and the apartments mine for a week. A lot of me time now..

2011-08-26T23:13:00.001-07:00

.what sucks is hearing you could die. anyways today has been sucha busy day. My day started out with my doctors appointment early in the morning. Had my physical and blood drawn from my body. They filled up three tubes. Almost fainted there. But all in all it went well. After had my sisters wedding rehearsal. plans almost didn't go through as things happened so we were an hour late, but it turned out pretty good. The BBQ didn't go as planed as well because we had no parking at first then didn't have a spot. But all in all everything went well. Tomorrows their day, I'm happy for them. Finally getting married.

2011-08-26T00:44:00.001-07:00

.sisters getting married this sat, wow does time fly by so fast. I'm happy for my sis. She wasn't the most prettiest or most popular at school but in life she was the prettiest in the brain. Very smart. Tried on my tux today and damn it felt good to be in a suit. Too bad I don't have any plus one for her wedding. It's amazing how all my plus one options just are gone just like that. Keeping my options and circles closed. I'm not gon open up just like that to any girl just like that. Closed circle..

2011-08-25T12:41:00.001-07:00

.if only my life was back to the way it was when life was simple..

2011-08-24T20:15:00.000-07:00

.life is so complicated. we tend to heartbreak our self on people who dont deserve us or hurt us. i really shouldnt have went to doi's party. it brought me back to her again and now im here stuck trying to help myself find myself. i really needed this break and time off. i cant see her, it just hurts. idk how she can tell me that she tells all her friends about how sweet i am, still carry my ring with her 24/7 and still say she cant change for me and wont because thats how it is. i just really dont get it. what hurts even more is her telling me to love someone else and find someone else to fall in love with. this love thing hurts and im stupid to be stuck in this situation again. i messed myself up...anyways, time to get my life back together. im back in school, i just got myself a credit card, so now all i need is my car and i should be set to start over with my life. drama free...

2011-08-23T01:38:00.001-07:00

.I needed this time off. Everything is hitting all at once that it's too much to handle. I needed a break from it all. The drama & stress. I deactivated my Facebook, and contact from people. It's me time. I need time off from work, its too stressful. I need time off from seeing my ex, it just hurts so much inside. Its really hard. Now its Time to clear my head, but I appreciate those that care & have been there for me. Terrence Eng, dudes been there for me and I appreciate it a lot. His a good friend no doubt. I just need this me time to find myself and refocus on what I want for myself. Me time.....

2011-08-21T03:19:00.000-07:00

.I'm really disgusted with what I just did. It's not right. We both let our emotions take over us, and did things we shouldnt be doing. It hurts, it just does. Being intimate with an ex just reminisces feelings back. idk how she can cuddle with me acting like nothings up, not only that but to make out and do even more. It just hurts a lot, esp with what happened after. Never again will I be emotionally invested with an ex and still have faith in change. I was really good after the last break up but I had to get myself back into it and this time really hurt myself. I feel like my feelings were played with.. how could she tell me how she feels, good things i wanna hear as a boyfriend and then turn me off by saying i wont ever change for you thats how is it. thats pretty f'd up seriously. and to the point where she leaves and tells me i love you. i love you?? how can you say that and just leave me hanging alone in the bathroom all confused. Never again and this time seriously. idk why i even ever let myself get back into it that night. im so f'n disappointed in myself for falling back to her. She admitted to not changing for me and that she cant and wont change for me, so there's really no point. Its so hard to try and be friends when it will only be a lie because i want nothing more than less. Idk why I keep trying to believe it will work out and happen. I'm so stupid. One year ago today was a break up. History repeats itself...i hate how much i love you, i cant do this...

2011-08-20T11:34:00.001-07:00

.the stupid things people complain to me about at work. Just had a guest that threatened to put me on blast on Facebook for not accepting his Lego blocks return. Like really? Am I suppose to be scared of that?? So dumb, people needa grow up

2011-08-02T18:56:00.000-07:00

.you win some, you lose some. sometimes even if you try to explain or not even explain you still lose. now thats some f'd up s#@%. thats life

2011-08-02T17:25:00.001-07:00

.life surprises me in so many ways. A lot of new things just keep coming. I recently enter a RED magazine contest for target at my job, though I didn't win, my entry would want to be used as the September issue cover. That's really awesome because even the slightest form of getting myself known will help me a lot. So I'm pretty stoked on that!

2011-07-17T00:46:00.001-07:00

.I really feel free now, I know I am. The last few times we broke up and I would see her I would get a hate feeling or a I miss you feeling. Now I don't feel nothing. It just feels normal now. I'm free

2011-07-13T11:50:00.000-07:00

.i feel free now. nothing to worry about. it's time to all focus on what i want and not worry about what others want. as much as i did care about her it just wasn't meant to be and ive learned my lesson. too many tries on somethings that don't change is not worth the pain and stress. been a rough few days and now im hoping and looking forward to better days. esp with work too. thought i was gon be fired, thank God i only got a final act of conduct. and the funny thing is my old crew from high school seems to be reuniting again. yeah my 3mz crew from high school. best friends that broke up due to problems and now putting it all behind after dealing with all our problems to be back together. each days a surprise and nice. no more worrying for now, time to move forward and hope and pray for the best. and oh yeah. i just got inked too. :)

2011-07-10T09:07:00.001-07:00

.this isn't working out. We've done it so many times that there really shouldn't be a I'll try. I put so much heart into us and always thinking of us, while you're only doing you and other people. You care brag and pride more on other people more than me and u. Everything about us is me. Always me.. I can't always be the one thinking for us. It's taken for granted and not very equal. I can't do this anymore. I can't wait for u to change after how many tries. I can't wait for u to know what u want because I've done it so many times. I can't always wait for the truth when that's all I wanna hear. I already know there's someone else that loves you too. I did love you. I care about you so much that ive sacrificed friendship and peoples respect for myself. Hell i lost respect for myself too..I just wanted something mutual, something honest. Honest truth..no matter how much proof all the rumors had i still stayed with u. I just wanted something honest, that's all I wanted. Honest love, to feel it and know I am the one you wanna talk about and brag to others about. But it didn't work that way, I'm sorry... I love you, but I can't do this anymore.

2011-07-09T23:41:00.001-07:00

.you don't seem to even be affected with us not seeing each other, how can I be a Bf when my gf is more into Cali than thinking about other things good too like your Bf in the same place? Not even a I missed you . But I miss Cali I already told u before u left what I wanted and that's a real relationship. It feels like you take our relationship not as important as I do. everything else seems more important and something to u to brag about than our relationship. I'm here always thinking about us while you're always thinking about you, i can't keep saying this over and over and over..I'm serious about what I want. I'm tired of trying to make us seem important in my life when you're only doing you. you take me and our relationship for granted.. It feels like you're more in a relationship with others than me. I'm like invisible just there. I want a real relationship! I can't keep telling u this over and over and over.....

2011-07-05T00:01:00.001-07:00

.girlfriend is at Cali and it pretty much sucks because I can't enjoy this years 4th of July with her. Haven't heard a word from her since 2.. Oh well I guess she's enjoying. Today was full of the stupidest guest complains.. Closed at work and open tomorrow.. Not the best 4th of July at all...

2011-06-30T14:26:00.000-07:00

.life always seems so hard. every conversation with my mom seems to make it harder too. it sucks when all you wanna do is help but you cant. it just sucks a lot

2011-06-29T14:53:00.001-07:00

.some people pride on mutual things, but when it's not mutual then that's a problem. When people promise change with their heart and don't go with their words.. Its nothing more than an imagination and dream to see what we want to see, when we really have to just learn to accept truth and fact for what it is. Some people don't change, some do, but most of the time people dont. Most esp with how much effort, and care they show about the situation. It's just another let down to yourself on how you trusted change and change becomes like karma and bites you back around. Never use your heart in words for actions you can not do, you're just fooling yourself into looking like a bigger fool and a douche bag lier, and honest fact I hate liers..

2011-06-25T01:00:00.000-07:00

.so much for happy 1 month.. im so sick and tired of all this stupid arguments. im tired of being a boyfriend in this relationship only to not get to have a girlfriend actually playing one. ugh.. im sick of this. it's hard to be the only one trying and putting so much effort. a relationship should be 100% mutual.. not 75/25

2011-06-23T13:31:00.001-07:00

.it's sucks how I try to do what she wants and then when I do, she disapproves.. It sucks when I'm trying to look out for her and she still complains about what I'm doing. I really hate this.. Another dumb argument, this is really stupid seriously..

2011-06-18T22:28:00.001-07:00

.happy father's day to all the fathers out there, to all the single mothers holding it down on their own without their child's father, to the people who play father roles in peoples' lives, much love to you all. all in all, happy father's day to my +daddy+ up there resting in peace, i miss you so much dad. wish i could call you back home to tell you happy father's day, but i know you already know. i love you.

2011-06-18T00:30:00.001-07:00

.people now days really disgust me. It's surprising to know that some of the people you're suppose to respect for who or what they are end up being not what they show to be. People now days make me sick, so many unfaithful people.. Where has the morals and respect for others feelings and ones self go? Smh.. People now days..

2011-06-17T00:42:00.001-07:00

Two nights in a row of not ending the night talking to her, suddenly it feels weird

2011-06-15T18:23:00.000-07:00

.i just feel so happy now days. everything is turning up for me. recently got a check from my college, then a fat one this coming friday. doing good at work where i do feel like the go to guy now of my boss. me and my girlfriend is going well, i love this whole mutual respect and understanding for each other. takes away from all the stress we used to go through. but its working now. thank God.

2011-06-11T03:02:00.003-07:00

Killed it today, team made me look so good ending the night with 15 REDcards

2011-06-11T03:02:00.001-07:00

.I'm trying to be more understanding. I really am. But it's hard to always be the one putting so much effort to not get the same effort back

2011-06-07T19:49:00.000-07:00

.it happened again today. just like sunday, but this time i wasnt so scared of the moment. i was drawn to it. im a very conservative guy. and i only do these things if i do love the person. i feel like i do. im so drawn to her. and my feelings are pretty set and content. im pretty happy. i love surprise visits. most esp if its from her.

2011-06-07T18:43:00.001-07:00

.so her ex is trying to get back in get life.. Sometimes I wish he was just locked up and thrown away for a long time.. Idk how I feel about this.. I feel lost.. Scared. I hate it when ex's try to get back into a persons life. It usually rekindles flames.. Smh

2011-06-02T06:12:00.001-07:00

.they say the truth hurts.. And it does.. Most esp when you believed a lie and the person ain't so honest. all i wanted was the truth.. i thought i had an honest answer.. but i had another lie

2011-06-01T11:46:00.000-07:00

.i really need to control my feelings. i feel so drawn so fast. already wanting to spend more time. i really need to take it slow. i cant have my past haunt me too, its really bad. trust is the key to this. and faith to guide us that this will work. i do really care.. and i do want this to work. already got a hate train growing on people against this.. but it sucks that i do.. just wish they could see that im happy with her. i really am.. it has its ups and downs but its there. we'll work it out and make it work. i believe in this.. just gotta take it slow. one step at a time.

2011-05-30T03:43:00.001-07:00

.I didn't expect the things that happened today to happen. And in that moment my heart kept pumping and I didn't know why.It wasn't because I was tired at that moment... But because I did something my heart will only do with someone I care for. The beating is the fear of losing that special person <3 that's why my heart kept pumping. I'll never forget tonight.

2011-05-30T03:42:00.001-07:00

.tonight was def a good night. Best TL weekend off in a while. Threw a small party at my apartment with the friends I plan to keep and my girl. I'll never forget tonight. Sucha good time

2011-05-25T22:27:00.001-07:00

.every day it feels like life surprises me. its official again. let's see where this goes from now on. official on my fav. number 25. could you be the lucky number?

2011-05-23T22:04:00.001-07:00

.today was pretty fun. Hung out with my co worker Addine. It's surprising to hear how people at work find me mysterious. All in all i had a good time

2011-05-21T21:21:00.001-07:00

.so I've just been happy for the last few days. It feels good. Anyways all this talk about Saturday being the whole rapture end of the world was a scary thing to hear but were still here thank God

2011-05-18T14:28:00.000-07:00

.cant keep playing this back and forth game. it's amazing how life really isn't so fair. when people make mistakes, i give them chances for a better new start, as for when i make mistakes. i get no chances in working it out. simple, complicated, and very unfair. it's time to really really move on, and just forget it. i've done too much for the heart.

2011-05-15T23:50:00.001-07:00

;; " it's amazing how someone can make you feel so bitter over something that meant so much to the heart "

2011-05-14T16:44:00.001-07:00

.it's already over, there's no coming back. We all make decisions good or bad depending on how we think of it. No more running back, just gotta accept things the way it is. It's done.

2011-05-12T07:33:00.000-07:00

.its been a really rough few days for me. Stress at work and life really ain't the best thing thing I wanna go through right now. A four day get away from it all is what I needed and thank God I have it.. Gives me some time to think about what I want in life.. And myself. I feel like I lost myself in a way that I needa find it again

2011-05-10T23:15:00.001-07:00

.today sucks so bad. im freaken tired..anyways, i hate the fact she's close with a past, and i hate it even more she's curious about his get back together joke.. smh... i tend to always rush things and lead myself on a lot... but i cant help it if im serious about what i want in my life. im never the type to wait. its now or never. tomorrow is never a promised today.